The Varied Insanities of Melfina the Blue

Title: Grief does strange things to a man
Rating: R
Pairing(s): Harry/Draco, Lucius/Petunia
Disclaimer: All those in favour of my owning HP so we could have more nude scenes? Sigh. Anyway everything belongs to JKR, yada yada yada.
Summary: Tom the barman knows all the gossip. Including the strange story of how Lucius Malfoy ended up kissing a Muggle and how Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter ended up a couple.
Warnings: bslash, het, mention of possible mpreg
Word Count: 2820
Author's Notes: I know, you're seeing that Lucius/Petunia and running in fear. But you shouldn't. I promise, there's not much, and you get an H/D shower scene to make up for it. Plus, don't you want to know how that pairing could ever occur?


It was dark and rather smelly in the Leaky Cauldron at noon. You'd never think we did a wonderful fry-up for lunch, or that the Saviour of the Wizarding World was wont to take his lunch there on Tuesdays. Harry liked it that way, you see. A bit of privacy away from the huddled adoring masses. He had his regular table, and I kept it nice and clean and empty for him. Except for today. I glared at the blond man sitting at Harry's table, and he ignored me. Been there since I opened, and wouldn't shift for love nor money. Though my guess was, given the half-empty bottle of firewhisky in front of him, he wasn't even capable of moving at this point.

"Tom."

"Harry. Good to see you. Sorry about the mess at your table."

"How long has he been there?"

"Since I opened."

"That was what, an hour ago?"

"Yes, and he won't move."

"I'll take care of it, Tom. Just give me the usual, alright?"

I nodded my head and he walked over to the table. I wandered back into the kitchen, sure I wouldn't miss anything. The eavesdropping charms I had installed worked a real treat.

"Malfoy."

"Potter. We have a lovely relationship of tolerance. I tolerate you, you tolerate me, and we avoid each other like the plague. So why are you talking to me?"

"You're at my table."

"Every other table in the place is free, Potter. Go sit at one of them."

"This is my table."

"Spoiled much, Potter?"

"Well, if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black, I don't know what is. Your parents spoiled you rotten, Malfoy."

Everything went quiet for a bit, and then I realized that the strange noise I was hearing was someone crying, softly. I stuck my head out of the kitchen.

"Everything okay, Harry?"

'It's fine. Just double my order, please."

His hand was on Malfoy's shoulder, and I wondered what was going on. Why was Draco Malfoy in my pub? More to the point, why was he crying?

"You okay, Draco?"

"Just fuck off and leave me alone, Potter. You have no idea what's going on in my life, and if I want to get smashed at 11 o'clock in the morning, it's none of your business."

"Well, something's obviously seriously wrong..."

"Let's get this clear, Potter. I am not some damsel in distress that you need to swoop in and save. So, kindly bugger off."

"This is about your parents, isn't it?"

"Brilliant, Potter. Remind me to call the Prophet. I can see the headline now... Gryffindor Grasps the Bloody Obvious!" or possibly "Harry Potter has a Brain!""

"No need to be snarky. You know that's just a defense mechanism to keep people from getting too close."

"What?"

"See, after all the crap of the battle and everything like that, Hermione insisted we all go see a shrink. He told me that, about snarkiness being used as a defense mechanism. You push someone away, they can't hurt you."

"Potter, if Snape was alive and knew you were having him psychoanalyzed, he'd hex you to within an inch of your life, and I'd help."

"You need a good shrink, Draco. I could give you his card if you like."

"Wizarding Secrecy, Potter? Ring any bells?"

"Oh, they made an exception for him. He knows all about our world."

"Why am I not fucking surprised? The Saviour gets another rule bent for him."

"Draco, you need someone to talk to."

"Who, Potter? My mother's dead. Or did the great Auror miss that bit of news?"

"Oh. I didn't know. I'm sorry."

"Potter, she died over a year ago. Fucking idiot self-centered Potter."

"I didn't know, okay. So I take it that's not why you're so upset."

"Potter, this isn't upset. This is me trying to destroy the images in my short-term memory."

"Why?"

"Because I saw something so horrible, so disgusting, that I can't deal with it in my brain. And I saw Umbridge naked, so that's saying something."

"When did you see that?"

"Another time, Potter. You want me to talk, I'm talking..."

Now, Malfoy's story was one-sided, to say the least. So I did some digging, got more information, and I'll be sticking it in here and there as the tale goes on.

"Well, to start with, my father left the manor shortly after my mother died. He told me that he couldn't ever be free of her ghost in the Manor, that he needed some time. It wasn't the truth, but I didn't know that."

In fact, it was probably the truth. Lucius Malfoy was devastated by his wife's death, almost beyond all reason. The goblins were even taking bets on whether he'd throw himself into his wife's grave. So, he didn't lie to his son, well, not yet anyway.

"So, I helped him set up a flat, and checked on him from time to time. He'd walk the streets for hours, no rhyme or reason. And he couldn't explain to me why he did. I started getting worried, insisted he go to the family healer. The healer apparently told him there wasn't much to be done, but talking to someone might help. Now my father didn't bother telling me any of this, just said the healer had a suggestion or two and he was going to look into it."

Now, Frakes is a good man. His son-in-law's a Muggle pastor, runs a grief group. He told me later that he had suggested his son-in-law because he figured Lucius Malfoy wasn't going to air his dirty laundry to anyone he knew or cared about, but his contempt for Muggles might mean he'd be willing to tell them things the likes of you and I couldn't pull out with a hundred hexes.

"And after a bit, he seemed to get better. Well, sort of. He seemed more cheerful, stopped forgetting Mother was dead, stuff like that. But he still didn't return to his regular haunts or routine. As far as I knew, he only talked to his business associates and me. Now, my father's never been a social butterfly like my mother was, but he did generally get out on occasion."

Well, what Draco didn't know is that his father was getting out. Lucius Malfoy was, ready for this? Blew my mind when I heard it. Lucius Malfoy was going to a Muggle church, and talking to Muggles about how much he missed his wife. Opening up to Muggles! Socializing with them! Lucius bloody Malfoy, the poster child for the Death Eaters. I guess it's true what they say, grief does strange things to a man. Anyway, as I was saying, Malfoy senior had fallen in with this support group. And there was a woman in this group, lost her husband, son won't talk to her anymore, real sad case. She and Malfoy got to talking, found out they had a lot in common. So they started meeting outside the group, for walks, for lunch, whatever.

"So, I took to dropping in, randomly. Just to check on him. And one day he was out, so I waited. He came back, and I asked where he was, and he said it wasn't any of my business, but that he appreciated my concern. And you know what, Potter? He was well-dressed, immaculate, like he'd been before Mother died, but he was wearing Muggle attire. A business suit. I asked him about it, and he brushed me off, told me he had a meeting in the Muggle world later. But he was lying, I knew he was. So I asked Lurch."

"Lurch?"

"Potter, what do you know about house elves? I'll tell you what, nothing. House elves need a certain ambient level of magic to survive. That's why they're attached to the old families. Our houses absorb magic, in some cases were even built with magic, and so they're quite comfortable for elves. The Manor, well, it's older than Hogwarts, and full of so much magic that it's gotten a bit unpredictable. Some days there are only two wings, some days there's twenty. About two hundred years ago, an ancestor of mine opened it to any elves whose families had died out, and as a result we have a lot of house elves. Probably a good thing, since some days even my father can't always navigate successfully."

"And this has what to do with you getting smashed before noon?"

"I'm traumatized, Potter, I'm working up to it. Anyway, so Lurch came from the Lestranges. Rudolphus was freaked out by his voice or something, I dunno. So he and father traded. Father got a well-trained manservant elf, and Lestrange got one of the random elves."

"Random elves?"

"We have about three hundred, I think. The ones that don't serve us directly, well, they're rather random."

"Only you, Malfoy."

"Now, if I may continue?"

"Go on."

"Thank you. So when father moved out, Lurch went with him."

"So that entire thing was to explain how your father still has an elf?"

"My story, I'll tell it my way. Deal with it, Potter. Lurch didn't really want to tell me, but since my father moved out of the Manor, I'm master, and he has to. Apparently someone's been coming over, and Lurch has to stay away till they're gone. A woman. Now first, I went "oh god, my Father's dating," and then it occurred to me. Father would never bother to have Lurch hide from a witch. So, oh god, he's dating a Muggle. A Muggle! My father, the king of blood purity, the man who didn't speak to me for two months after I kissed ahalfblood, is dating a Muggle!"

"Wait, your father did Snape, didn't he? Hermione told me. Bit hypocritical of him."

"Well, yes, but apparently that was completely different. He was already married, after all, and plus, my mother said it was okay."

"And you found out about this how?"

"I asked. When I was about 14. It had been pretty obvious to me that Snape and my father were having a relationship before I accidentally walked in on them in the library. So my father took the opportunity to sit me down and explain a few things. And give me a copy of the Ambitious Wizard's Guide to Sex. I love that book."

"Okay, I will never be able to get the image of Snape buggering your father out of my head now. I hope you're happy."

"Other way round, actually."

"That is so much worse. Pass the whiskey, will you?"

"Malfoys don't bottom, you see. Now, where was I?"

"Scarring me for life."

"Snape had a nice body under all those robes, I'll have you know."

"Draco, your father, the Muggle?"

"Oh, yeah, so anyway, I find out from Lurch when this woman generally comes over. My father lives by his routines, so I figured he generally had her coming over at the same time every day. This morning I wandered over to his flat, to get a look at her. Gah! I thought my father had taste, at least."

"Very nice, Malfoy."

"You want to take a look? Come along then."

"I'm coming along because you can't stand, aren't I?"

"No, you're coming along because if you don't, I shall tell you more stories about Snape having sex, and you'll be traumatized for life. Plus, it's my firewhiskey."

"You're evil, Malfoy."

"Slytherin, Potter."

"Fine, I'll come. If only to keep you upright."

"Remind me to do something nice for you later."

"You'd better."

So this is where they wandered off out of the Cauldron. And I found out the rest much later, one night when Harry got really drunk. But I'm not one for keeping people in suspense, so...

Harry and Draco showed up to the flat. Draco had a key, and unlocked the door and wandered in, Harry right behind him. And what do they see but Lucius Malfoy kissing this Muggle woman?

"Father!"

"Draco? POTTER?"

"Aunt Petunia!"

"Harry!"

"Oh god. Draco, what are you doing here, and why is there a Potter?"

"You're dating a Muggle. You're dating Potter's aunt?"

"Wait, what?"

"You're a freak?!?"

"A freak? How dare you!"

"Okay, everyone just calm down. Lucius Malfoy, this is my aunt, Petunia, my mother's sister. Aunt Petunia, this is Lucius Malfoy, a wizard, from a family of wizards. And this is his rather drunk son, Draco, who I went to school with."

"Alright. Draco, go home. Sleep it off. And then later you and I will have a conversation about privacy, and if you do not stop invading mine, I will give you siblings. Potter, go wherever the heck you're supposed to be. Petunia, you and I obviously need to have a long discussion, preferably without name-calling."

"I can't believe you're a freak."

"I can't believe my father's dating you."

"I can't believe Lucius Malfoy is dating my aunt."

"I can't believe my son dragged Potter here. Now, leave. Both of you. Go sober up."

"We will be discussing this later."

"Yes, we will, when you're sober."

Draco and Harry turned and staggered out the door. Lucius turned to Petunia. Now the next part is a bit of speculation, since only Lucius Malfoy and Petunia were there. I do know that Lucius never saw her again.

"I take it you're not overly fond of wizards then, my dear."

"I'll be leaving now, and I would appreciate you never coming near me or speaking to me again."

Lucius nodded and opened the door for her. But let's face it, what Lucius did next is nowhere near as interesting as what Draco and Harry got up to. So I'll tell you about that, shall I?

Draco used a portkey to get both himself and Harry back to the Manor. Harry had stopped talking, and was just staring off into space.

"Potter, you in there? Potter?"

Harry continued to stare blankly.

"Potter, I'm going to undress you now and shag you senseless. Any objections?"

Harry just kept staring.

"Potter, you are cracked. Come on, maybe cold water will do the trick."

And so Draco led Harry up a flight of stairs and into his bathroom. He pulled off Harry's robes, shoved him into the shower, and turned the cold water on full blast.

"Draco, what the fuck?"

"You were in shock."

"Where are my clothes?"

"Right over there. Didn't want to ruin them. Wow, that's small, isn't it?"

"It's the cold water."

"If you say so." Draco shrugged.

"Bloody hell, Malfoy, you're going to make me prove this, aren't you?"

"How? You planning on shagging me senseless with that little thing?"

"Alright, that's it."

Harry yanked Draco into the shower.

"Potter!"

"Shut the fuck up and turn on the hot water."

"You're mad, Potter, completely round the bend."

"I'll show you it's not the size that matters!"

"Potter, you will let me out of this shower this instant."

Harry responded by pining Draco firmly against the wall and kissing him hard. Draco responded after a moment, by grabbing Potter's arse. Potter broke off the kiss, surprised.

"You know, we're both going to regret this when we're sober."

Harry growled and started licking Draco's neck.

"Fine. But I don't bottom. Ever."

And you can well imagine how things went on from there, and I am told that Draco, in fact, does bottom. He just won't admit to it. The relationship didn't last very long, mostly because Draco got engaged, and Harry refused to be his bit on the side. As for Lucius, last I heard, he'd been seen with Rebecca Lestrange, Rabastan's estranged wife. Word is that there may be wedding bells ringing as soon as the Wizengamot gives her a divorce. I'm just thankful that business has picked up. Apparently Draco Malfoy's developed a craving for my fry-ups. I think he might be suffering from the Kuttner Curse. It's hereditary in the Malfoy line, you know. That's why Malfoys don't ever bottom. What do you mean, you don't know what the Kuttner curse is? Well, let's just say that Draco Malfoy may soon find out that it is completely possibly for a male wizard to be in the family way, so to speak. You know, that's something Lucius should probably have mentioned to his son. Oh well, I'm making a pretty penny out of it, so I can't complain.